The Hurt of Rejection

Last month, I received a rejection for a writing contest I’d entered. This, of course, is nothing new in an author’s life. But this particular rejection hit me harder than usual. Sure, I had other difficult things going on, and the rejection just added to the misery. But it was more than that.

What is it about rejection that hurts so much?

It’s not losing a contest or publication. We know those are tough to get. I knew, down deep, that rejection would be my constant companion, so it wasn’t as if I believed it would never happen. And I’m smart enough to realize that, if I keep at it, I’ll eventually win/get published.

Every time I submit something, despite the odds, I still have a spark of hope that this time will be different. This submission will be the one that finally works out. Most authors I know operate with that same hope. Why else would we keep trying? But, for me, this time the rejection extinguished that spark.

I didn’t question the quality of my submission, I questioned my quality as a writer.

Reacting as I did, rejection can smother any hope you have in yourself. For many like me, writing is a personal thing. We pour our hearts out onto our pages, and creating stirs hope within us that someone, somewhere out there, might just understand where we are coming from. Someone might just see the twisted, weird, deep, or unlikeable parts of ourselves in the story, and say, “I thought I was the only one.” We want that connection. Isn’t that what everyone wants? To know and be known?

But, the rejection comes and it is a giant slap in the face. We forget that they are reviewing our words and instead feel the dismissal of our voice, of that connection we threw out into the cosmic universe in hopes of someone commiserating. And, after one too many times experiencing that dismissal, we lose hope that we’ll ever be known. In turn, we question our writing. Maybe it won’t eventually pan out.

Our industry tells us rejection isn’t personal, and we scold ourselves because we are somehow less. Because, for us, it is completely personal.

Separating our work from ourselves is vital to a writer’s longevity. A rejection is not about you. It is about your work; the readiness of it, how well it works within a whole (journals), or if it fits stylistically with that editor/publication. Somehow, we as writers have to grasp this fact.

I’d like to say there’s a magic formula for realizing EVERY time the separation that exists between rejection of our work and rejection of ourselves. But if that were the case, I wouldn’t have wallowed away most of last month, eating cookies and contemplating the superior writing of a friend’s three-year-old.

So how do we move past what we perceive as personal rejection?

Here’s a few things that have helped me:

1. Surround yourself with people who believe in you. Not just in you as a writer, but you as a person. When you doubt yourself, their encouragement can snap you out of your gloom.

2. Keep a list of things you love about yourself. Give yourself a way to see your true self outside of writing.

3. Keep a list of things you do well when writing. Remind yourself of your talent.

4. Read something terrible. Sometimes seeing a book in print that has no business being in print is encouraging. If they could find their niche, so can you.

5. Read something that moves/inspires you. Feed your longing for beautiful language. It will make you want to create something equally beautiful.

6. Now, go write. The beauty of creating a story is that it fans the flame within you, and, before you know it, you believe in yourself – and your writing – again.

What helps you get over rejection? Share your tips in the comments below.

You've Got This

I once experienced an interesting phenomenon. After working diligently for over a year towards one of my goals, I crashed hard. I only had weeks left, but my will power was non-existent. Rather than put in the work, I wanted to marathon watch sitcoms or sleep like a bear in hibernation. The longer I festered in this place, too, the harder it became to pull myself out.

Because guilt sprang up to remind me of my shortcomings.

If you, too, find yourself battling to right your sinking ship of motivation, it is helpful to remember to:

• Forgive Yourself. No one is perfect. No one. No, not even her/him (you know who I am talking about). Everyone has fallen short of expectations, including their own. Because, somewhere deep inside, we all think we can perform superhuman feats within a very human body. Then, we get tired, or our kid gets sick and needs our attention, or that job we were hoping to land falls through. But, rather than adjust, we keep plowing forward, thinking we can still accomplish the outlandish things we couldn’t even do without life butting in. So, when falling short of aspirations, forgive yourself, because you, my friend, are human.
   

• Remind yourself of your wonderful qualities. Guilt has a way of dragging us through the mud until we no longer recognize ourselves. When this happens, we begin to believe lies. Take a moment and focus on the truth. What do you love about you? What do others love about you? There is good in every person, so keep wiping away the mud until you find the treasure.
   

• Get back on the horse. Don’t give up after a setback. Setbacks may make your goals take longer, but if you get back to work, you will eventually attain them. But you are guaranteed to miss them if you don’t even try. Take the clean slate your setback created and see it as possibility, instead of challenge. Whatever it is you are aiming for, fill in this sentence: “Today is a great day to ___________.” Today is a great day to write another chapter on my book. Today is a great day to finish that painting. Today is a great day to polish my website. Today is a great day to try out that MeetUp. Today is a great day to get back onto that horse and charge on toward the finish.

What tips and advice do you have for the uninspired, tired, or motivationally challenged? 

Change is A-Comin'

As we welcome in a new season, I’ve been contemplating change. After all, that’s what a new season is: change. What do I love about the fall and what makes me want summer to last forever? Here’s what I came up with:

Things I love about fall:
     • Boots and scarves
     • The many colors of leaves
     • Cooler weather
     • Tea and comfy blankets
     • Rain
     • Fires in the fireplace
     • School supplies
     • It always feels like a new season of adventures
     • Pumpkin everything (except, ironically, pumpkin spice lattes)

Things I don’t like about fall:
     • Pretty much everything Halloween
     • The emphasis on creepy crawlies and death
      • The dying green of trees
     • No more local farmers markets
     • Horror flick invasion
     • The eternal gray skies
     • Cabin fever, thanks to the rain

It’s funny how there’s always something negative about change. Conversely, you can always find something positive about change, if you look hard enough. Take, for instance, my displeasure with Halloween. Orange is my least favorite color, I don’t like horror or creepy things, and I hate that many use it as an excuse to dress slutty. Yet I love the excitement of a child selecting the perfect costume, I love almost all things pumpkin, and I adore that the world cools down and I can don my favorite boots and scarf. Good and bad are interwoven throughout the changes of life. The negative provides opportunity for empathy within us, and the positive, gratefulness. But which do you allow to influence your attitude about change? It’s all about what you choose to focus on. I find that, when I let go of what I don’t like and focus on what I do, I always enjoy change. Change doesn’t have to be scary. It doesn’t have to be torture. It’s all about attitude. Abraham Lincoln said, “When you look for the bad in mankind, expecting to find it, you surely will.” I believe that is true about change. You get what you expect.

How do you feel about change and what do you love about fall?

Leave a Mark

Every morning, I pass a construction site on my way to work. Traffic around the site is always beastly. Half a dozen mammoth dump trucks are usually lined up to turn left into the chaos. Sometimes, we wait endless minutes for them to exit and enter. The construction also creates a lane closure, bottle necking traffic. I could probably go another way and it would be faster. Given my short fuse for traffic and frustrating drivers, I’d be better off with the detour even if it weren’t faster.

But I suffer the mayhem for Felicity.

Felicity is the flagger who works the morning rush. And, in the bitter Seattle cold, in sun or rain, she always – always! – smiles and waves at each passing car. She’s the long lost friend who celebrates a reunion, the Buddy the Elf when he hears Santa is coming. Her joy is uncontainable and real. You can see the smile in her eyes, not just her actions.

Felicity reminds me that attitude is everything.

When you think about the job of flagger, you don’t naturally envision a wonderful career. Besides the weather, you are inhaling car fumes and getting covered in dust all day. And lets not forget the port-o-potty facilities. Just the thought makes my skin crawl. But instead of dwelling on the negative, Felicity sees her position as opportunity to greet the day, and each passing vehicle, with her own ray of sunshine.

By watching her, I’ve learned that, with the right attitude, even the grittiest jobs become enjoyable. I’ve practiced this philosophy, and do you know what I’ve discovered? When I’m dwelling on the positive, the task I was dreading goes faster and easier. I learn and grow, and – God forbid! – I have fun! Best of all, positivity is contagious. It softens hearts, builds comradery, and leaves a mark.

She is a reminder that, no matter how badly your life is going, there’s always someone else in a worse position. And you never know just how much you might make their day, might raise their spirits, by opting for positivity. Every morning, Felicity raises my spirits for the workday ahead, and gives me a jolt of happiness with which to face its challenges. Wouldn’t it be great if more people were like that?

 The world could use a few more Felicitys.

Fodder of Life

Life. It is its own person, interacting with you in a diverse spectrum of emotional ways. It comforts, it replenishes, it annoys, it devastates. It beats you down and lifts you up.

This has never been more true for me than the past couple of weeks.

Recently, I accomplished one of my life-long dreams. I’m an avid learner, but have had an uphill battle finishing my degree. It’s not because I’ve had difficulty with the material. It was a lack of vision as to what degree to get. Because of horrible advice early on, I stumbled around avoiding the arts, and dually missing my passion. I’m ashamed of how long it’s taken to gain clarity. Don’t get me wrong; all those wrong turns have sculpted me and taught me. But how I wish that could have happened while I was also doing what I love.

On October 17th, though, I turned in my final assignment, and became the first person in my family to ever finish a four-year degree. In that moment, Life threw me up into the air like a father with his child, and I was giddy, weightless, slightly terrified but in awe.

A few days later, Life smacked me into the ground. Not just knocked me out of the air; Life threw me onto the pavement like The Hulk with Loki, then ground its heel into my temple. Migraines raged and made movement challenging, let alone functioning within my little world. All the while, members of my family and co-workers were bogged down with colds and fevers, and I was desperately fighting from getting caught up in the germy fun.  

In the midst of all this, I’ve been contemplating what I write. It is a common expression for aspiring authors to hear “write what you know.” Virginia Woolf takes it even further, saying, “Every secret of a writer’s soul, every experience of his life, every quality of his mind, is written large in his works.” So, I’ve been asking myself, what have these weeks of roller coaster Life deposited into my soul, crafted into my experience?  

Everything is fodder for creativity. Every experience is offered up upon the alter of creativity by Life, and awaits our interpretation and transformation.

The moment of hitting “submit” on that final paper and the weight of stress, strapped onto my shoulders like a two-ton backpack, rolling off. The intense pressure pounding into my brow with pinpoint accuracy and unrelenting fervor. The moment after the elation wears off, and the mundane returns, leaving the postpartum melancholy. Or the sweet release of pain when I open my eyes and the brilliance of day no longer burns but cheers. All these Life moments are the building blocks of great stories. They are fodder for my fiction.

What fodder has Life given you lately?